Your Boss’ Emotions Are Not Your Fault

Dear Soul,

You are not responsible for the emotions of your boss, your supervisor, your client, or anyone else, for that matter. If you have someone in your work life who is upset with you, frustrated, disappointed, annoyed, even worried, please know that how they feel is on them, not you.

You are a small part of their world, and it’s impossible for you to know everything that’s going on in their minds. They may have issues in other parts of their lives that are coloring their perception. Maybe they’re dealing with something at home. Maybe they have a health issue that’s really affecting their mood. Maybe they’re really hard on themselves, and they don’t even realize that they’re treating you in the same way. In any case, how they respond to your performance, your creation, and your being says a lot more about them than it does about you.

In the coaching world, we say that circumstances are neutral. What we mean by this is that life just is what it is. Events, situations, and facts don’t mean anything until our minds create meaning from them. Let’s say, for example, you make a PowerPoint presentation that has all the necessary information in it, but that isn’t structured in the most coherent and clear way. One superior might decide that you don’t know what you’re doing, that you don’t ‘get it’, and that they can’t trust you to deliver. Another superior might complement you for knowing what to information to include, and be grateful for the opportunity to add value and support you in your development. A third superior might just make some changes and have no other thoughts about it! The point is that you, and everything you do, is neutral to others until they impose their own opinions, judgments, and thoughts upon it.

When you know this - when you know that the criticism of others doesn’t mean that you or your actions are necessarily bad or wrong - it gives you power. It gives you the power to let them have their emotions without making them your emotions. It gives you the freedom from their opinion of you. Can you imagine what it would be like for your boss to make a critical comment, and instead of putting your tail between your legs, you remind yourself that you did your best, you give yourself a little hug, and you let it go? Can you imagine telling your boss that he seems a little on edge and asking if he needs anything?

You have the right to be okay. You have permission to be okay even if the people around you aren’t. Beating yourself up and being hard on yourself isn’t helping, and it isn’t protecting you, as much as you may think. I understand that emotional independence takes practice, patience, and courage. If nothing else, though, I want you to know that it is possible. With the right tools and self-awareness, you can manage even the most challenging moments with grace and a clear head. You can become the master of your own experience.

Peace & Love,